We all need something to believe in and someone to believe in us.
Very recently I lost my grandfather, he passed on to I'm not sure what and I miss him something horrible. It's astonishing how you can miss someone so so much.
My grandfather was the leading man in my life.
I went to go and see him a few months before he passed away and we had the most wonderful day. We played chess, I filled him in on my life and we ate soup together while sharing little smiles every now and then and then he laughed lots at himself on photo booth. I loved that man so much, my grandpa and one of the main reasons he had such an impact on me is that he unequivocally believed in me, always.
My experience of my Grandpa was not a perfect man, a perfect father or grand father but despite all his faults, He loved me. he was always happy to see me and He saw and believed in the good in me.
This evening I watched Big Fish by Tim Burton. A wonderful film about a father who loves and has always told tall stories about his life, exaggerating the height of a rather tall friend, making a grumpy boss into a ware wolf, using hyperbole to create this perfect town. The world he created through his stories is one of courage and bravery, love that over comes all things, a Big Fish and a gold ring.
His son however has stopped believing his dad, stopped hearing the stories, stopped listening to him and now instead only wants the dull facts. He doesn't believe in his father anymore, to the point where he doesn't just not hear the stories, he hates them. He hates the stories and he hates the man who tells them. He thinks he doesn't know him.
But what he doesn't realised is that, his dad is right there. He is more loved than he realises and if he just stopped to listen to his dad, and really listen, he wouldn't just get the wonder but the facts he searches for in there also.
His dad isn't lying, the son needs to just believe in his dad and the relationship that has become bad, will be restored.
(Spoiler alert)
At the end of the film, there is a beautiful scene where the father no longer able to talk asks the son to tell his death. In this moment the son believes and enters into his fathers world, where facts and fiction become one. He sees all the facts and creates this most beautiful story and send off for his dad. The son believes for the father. The father believes as he always has.
My grandpa believed in me, without question. He believed in me. I'm sure he saw the many ways I'm imperfect, the facts beneath, he watched me grow up but he chose to take them both together, the good and the bad, he believed in the good in me. And I took the same approach with my grandpa, knowing him to be imperfect and yet loving him all the same. Taking the smiles, the kind words, the hugs and seeing him as the loving, more than stubborn or confused at times.
I believed in him for as long as I can remember, always my tall grandpa who gave me squeezing hug which took the air out of your lungs and told me 'he was all the better for seeing me', who took me to the theatre with friends and who had braved jail, the army, the apartheid.
I miss my grandpa so much and it's because together we believed in each other. He will forever be my Big Fish, the one who saw the fact and wonder and took both by the reins.
We all need something to believe in and someone to believe in us. We all need to be seen to the depths and loved to the skies. That is our biggest desire. To be believed in, despite our failures. For someone to say 'you'll get through' when it doesn't seem like you will. My grandpa believed in me and me in him and boy does it hurt when that person goes, you miss it, Him.
My hope is not gone though, although I'm hurting, my hope is not lost. My ultimate has not passed away, but just a very special someone who in my life shone very brightly of something wonderfully more.
Tuesday, 3 June 2014
Big Fish
We all need something to believe in and someone to believe in us.
Very recently I lost my grandfather, he passed on to I'm not sure what and I miss him something horrible. It's astonishing how you can miss someone so so much.
My grandfather was the leading man in my life.
I went to go and see him a few months before he passed away and we had the most wonderful day. We played chess, I filled him in on my life and we ate soup together while sharing little smiles every now and then and then he laughed lots at himself on photo booth. I loved that man so much, my grandpa and one of the mani he reasons he has such an impact on me is that he unequivocally believed in me, always.
My experience of my Grandpa was not a perfect man, a perfect father or grand father but despite all his faults, He loved me. he was always happy to see me and He saw and believed in the good in me.
This evening I watched Big Fish by Tim Burton. A wonderful film about a father who loves and has always told tall stories about his life, exaggerating the height of a rather tall friend, making a grumpy boss into a ware wolf, using hyperbole to create this perfect town. The world he created through his stories is one of courage and bravery, love that over comes all things, a Big Fish and a gold ring.
His son however has stopped believing his dad, stopped hearing the stories, stopped listening to him and now instead only wants the dull facts. He doesn't believe in his father anymore, to the point where he doesn't just not hear the stories, he hates them. He hates the stories and he hates the man who tells them. He thinks he doesn't know him.
But what he doesn't realised is that, his dad is right there. He is more loved than he realises and if he just stopped to listen to his dad, and really listen, he wouldn't just get the wonder but the facts he searches for in there also.
His dad isn't lying, the son needs to just believe in his dad and the relationship that has become bad, will be restored.
(Spoiler alert)
At the end of the film, there is a beautiful scene where the father no longer able to talk asks the son to tell his death. In this moment the son believes and enters into his fathers world, where facts and fiction become one. He sees all the facts and creates this most beautiful story and send off for his dad. The son believes for the father. The father believes as he always has.
My grandpa believed in me, without question. He believed in me. I'm sure he saw the many ways I'm imperfect, the facts beneath, he watched me grow up but he chose to take them both together, the good and the bad, he believed in the good in me. And I took the same approach with my grandpa, knowing him to be imperfect and yet loving him all the same. Taking the smiles, the kind words, the hugs and seeing him as the loving, more than stubborn or confused at times.
I believed in him for as long as I can remember, always my tall grandpa who gave me squeezing hug which took the air out of your lungs and told me 'he was all the better for seeing me', who took me to the theatre with friends and who had braved jail, the army, the apartheid.
I miss my grandpa so much and it's because together we believed in each other. He will forever be my Big Fish, the one who saw the fact and wonder and took both by the reins.
We all need something to believe in and someone to believe in us. We all need to be seen to the depths and loved to the skies. That is our biggest desire. To be believed in, despite our failures. For someone to say 'you'll get through' when it doesn't seem like you will. My grandpa believed in me and me in him and boy does it hurt when that person goes, you miss it, Him.
My hope is not gone though, although I'm hurting, my hope is not lost. My ultimate has not passed away, but just a very special someone who in my life shone very brightly of something wonderfully more.
Very recently I lost my grandfather, he passed on to I'm not sure what and I miss him something horrible. It's astonishing how you can miss someone so so much.
My grandfather was the leading man in my life.
I went to go and see him a few months before he passed away and we had the most wonderful day. We played chess, I filled him in on my life and we ate soup together while sharing little smiles every now and then and then he laughed lots at himself on photo booth. I loved that man so much, my grandpa and one of the mani he reasons he has such an impact on me is that he unequivocally believed in me, always.
My experience of my Grandpa was not a perfect man, a perfect father or grand father but despite all his faults, He loved me. he was always happy to see me and He saw and believed in the good in me.
This evening I watched Big Fish by Tim Burton. A wonderful film about a father who loves and has always told tall stories about his life, exaggerating the height of a rather tall friend, making a grumpy boss into a ware wolf, using hyperbole to create this perfect town. The world he created through his stories is one of courage and bravery, love that over comes all things, a Big Fish and a gold ring.
His son however has stopped believing his dad, stopped hearing the stories, stopped listening to him and now instead only wants the dull facts. He doesn't believe in his father anymore, to the point where he doesn't just not hear the stories, he hates them. He hates the stories and he hates the man who tells them. He thinks he doesn't know him.
But what he doesn't realised is that, his dad is right there. He is more loved than he realises and if he just stopped to listen to his dad, and really listen, he wouldn't just get the wonder but the facts he searches for in there also.
His dad isn't lying, the son needs to just believe in his dad and the relationship that has become bad, will be restored.
(Spoiler alert)
At the end of the film, there is a beautiful scene where the father no longer able to talk asks the son to tell his death. In this moment the son believes and enters into his fathers world, where facts and fiction become one. He sees all the facts and creates this most beautiful story and send off for his dad. The son believes for the father. The father believes as he always has.
My grandpa believed in me, without question. He believed in me. I'm sure he saw the many ways I'm imperfect, the facts beneath, he watched me grow up but he chose to take them both together, the good and the bad, he believed in the good in me. And I took the same approach with my grandpa, knowing him to be imperfect and yet loving him all the same. Taking the smiles, the kind words, the hugs and seeing him as the loving, more than stubborn or confused at times.
I believed in him for as long as I can remember, always my tall grandpa who gave me squeezing hug which took the air out of your lungs and told me 'he was all the better for seeing me', who took me to the theatre with friends and who had braved jail, the army, the apartheid.
I miss my grandpa so much and it's because together we believed in each other. He will forever be my Big Fish, the one who saw the fact and wonder and took both by the reins.
We all need something to believe in and someone to believe in us. We all need to be seen to the depths and loved to the skies. That is our biggest desire. To be believed in, despite our failures. For someone to say 'you'll get through' when it doesn't seem like you will. My grandpa believed in me and me in him and boy does it hurt when that person goes, you miss it, Him.
My hope is not gone though, although I'm hurting, my hope is not lost. My ultimate has not passed away, but just a very special someone who in my life shone very brightly of something wonderfully more.
Thursday, 10 October 2013
Home
So today I'm doing study at my desk and it's getting to the weekend which is the part of week I seem to dread the most and I was feeling like I was missing home.
All my housemates are away this weekend so that means I get the house all to myself, something I thought I enjoyed, turns out the prospect makes me less than happy. But it made me think, what and where is home? and why do we long to be a 'home' so much?
It's a totally human desire isn't it? We all long for home. I mean when you're somewhere new, you make it homely, we talk about Home being where the heart is, do you feel at home at the moment? Where you are? Would you call that home? Where is home for you? Maybe you've never known home? What and where is home? Maybe you know exactly where home is and your there at the very moment, or haven't been there for a while?
You see when I was thinking about this, home seems to a lot of different places; Home is back with my family in Basingstoke; with my parents where my dog is and I can relax with them, Home is at the Kirsch's house, dear friends who took my under their wings, fed and loved me, Home is in Oxford with my friends and family at St. Aldates church where I have been looked after and nurtured for the last three years of my life, Home is 102 Percy Street, Oxford where I lived with some of my dearest friends, could walk and have tea with friends over the road and go for river side walks when I so desired, Home is here in Cardiff where I am now living and trying my best to get integrated with, Home is in the arms of my Father God where I fear nothing and no one because there, with Him, I am safe and secure and nothing can do anything to me because I'm wrapped up in love and light.
What and Where is home because it seems to be all over the place?
Moving to a new city, with new people, a new church, a new job and way of life has made me question what I put my security in. See home is a lot to do with security, where I feel safe, looked after, safe, where I can recoup, shut myself away if necessary or dance round the room to music, be silly and know it's ok or be serious and know I can discuss my heart.
Oliver Wendell Holmes said:
'Where we love is home - home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.'
or
William Faulkner said
“How often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”
and
George Augustus Moore states
“A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it."
Home seems to be somewhere that our heart is, which we long for, think of, a place where we find what we need. Well my heart is all over the place, Basingstoke, Oxford, Cardiff, South Africa (with my family), London (my grandad), Hove (my Cousins), Heaven (Father God and Jesus), in fact, where-ever those whom I care deeply for, my heart is.
And what about somewhere I think of often? Long for? Well I long for warm fires with my doggy, a cup of tea and my families company, I love for Sundays with my Aldates family, I long to sit with Jesus and nothing be between me and Him, for there to be easy communication, I long for no distractions, I long for, well... Heaven where there will be no more tears and hurt anymore, I won't feel pressure or fear but I will be at complete peace, ahh peace, safe and sound and at peace.
And what about somewhere where my needs are met? Well in Oxford my friends are there, I laugh, have deep conversations, chat about my faith, am challenged and encouraged, however I've never known all my needs met except in when I stand in worship with God, singing to Him, His presence so close and His face the only one in view, my hearts aches met by His blinding love. Heaven.
So readers, What does that seem to say to you? What is the constant? What is the place that keeps coming up? That would seem to be Home? The place I lay under the rain and think of? The place that although I've never physically been, my heart aches for? The place where I heart is?
C.S. Lewis says
*John 14v1-4
All my housemates are away this weekend so that means I get the house all to myself, something I thought I enjoyed, turns out the prospect makes me less than happy. But it made me think, what and where is home? and why do we long to be a 'home' so much?
It's a totally human desire isn't it? We all long for home. I mean when you're somewhere new, you make it homely, we talk about Home being where the heart is, do you feel at home at the moment? Where you are? Would you call that home? Where is home for you? Maybe you've never known home? What and where is home? Maybe you know exactly where home is and your there at the very moment, or haven't been there for a while?
You see when I was thinking about this, home seems to a lot of different places; Home is back with my family in Basingstoke; with my parents where my dog is and I can relax with them, Home is at the Kirsch's house, dear friends who took my under their wings, fed and loved me, Home is in Oxford with my friends and family at St. Aldates church where I have been looked after and nurtured for the last three years of my life, Home is 102 Percy Street, Oxford where I lived with some of my dearest friends, could walk and have tea with friends over the road and go for river side walks when I so desired, Home is here in Cardiff where I am now living and trying my best to get integrated with, Home is in the arms of my Father God where I fear nothing and no one because there, with Him, I am safe and secure and nothing can do anything to me because I'm wrapped up in love and light.
What and Where is home because it seems to be all over the place?
Moving to a new city, with new people, a new church, a new job and way of life has made me question what I put my security in. See home is a lot to do with security, where I feel safe, looked after, safe, where I can recoup, shut myself away if necessary or dance round the room to music, be silly and know it's ok or be serious and know I can discuss my heart.
Oliver Wendell Holmes said:
'Where we love is home - home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.'
or
William Faulkner said
“How often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”
and
George Augustus Moore states
“A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it."
Home seems to be somewhere that our heart is, which we long for, think of, a place where we find what we need. Well my heart is all over the place, Basingstoke, Oxford, Cardiff, South Africa (with my family), London (my grandad), Hove (my Cousins), Heaven (Father God and Jesus), in fact, where-ever those whom I care deeply for, my heart is.
And what about somewhere I think of often? Long for? Well I long for warm fires with my doggy, a cup of tea and my families company, I love for Sundays with my Aldates family, I long to sit with Jesus and nothing be between me and Him, for there to be easy communication, I long for no distractions, I long for, well... Heaven where there will be no more tears and hurt anymore, I won't feel pressure or fear but I will be at complete peace, ahh peace, safe and sound and at peace.
And what about somewhere where my needs are met? Well in Oxford my friends are there, I laugh, have deep conversations, chat about my faith, am challenged and encouraged, however I've never known all my needs met except in when I stand in worship with God, singing to Him, His presence so close and His face the only one in view, my hearts aches met by His blinding love. Heaven.
So readers, What does that seem to say to you? What is the constant? What is the place that keeps coming up? That would seem to be Home? The place I lay under the rain and think of? The place that although I've never physically been, my heart aches for? The place where I heart is?
C.S. Lewis says
“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”
Was I? Was I made for another world? Another place? Another creation? Another reality? Another heart? Home...My heart, my needs and my longings seem to point towards another.
Was I? Was I made for another world? Another place? Another creation? Another reality? Another heart? Home...My heart, my needs and my longings seem to point towards another.
Jesus said
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”*
At the moment, I am in a new City, I'm missing my friends in Oxford, my family in Basingstoke but whether in Cardiff, Oxford or Basingstoke, my hearts longing for home tells me there is more, another place, another reality, where my heart will long no more, my needs will be met and I will be home. I know this because your heart can't long for something it's never known and I find in myself a desire that nothing on the earth can satisfy which pushes me further towards God and His arms. Glorious discomfort because I know Jesus has prepared a room for me and He will come and bring me home and oh, how I long for that day.
Home is where the heart is, the needs are met and the longing is satisfied. Home is in heaven with God; Father, Son and Holy spirit, surrounded by all His people, who themselves have also come home. Eeee, it is going to be so good!
Cardiff will do for now, Oxford was incredible for a season, Basingstoke loved and nurtured me and many other places, people, houses and cities with love and nurture me but heaven, oh heaven, how I long for thee.
*John 14v1-4
Saturday, 28 September 2013
Lavish
See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.
1 John 3:1
Lavish
lav·ish
/ˈlaviSH/
Adjective
Sumptuously rich and elaborate.
Verb
Bestow something in generous or extravagant quantities upon.
Synonyms
adjective. profuse - generous - prodigal - bounteous - extravagant
verb. squander - waste - dissipate
I wonder what you thought when you saw Lavish? Maybe a castle? Maybe a king and his robes with jewels and gold? Or a dinner table with everything you could possibly dream up, cooked to perfection and served on silver platters, or how about a ball where everyone is dressed in all their fineries. Whatever you think of when the word 'lavish' comes up it is not small, or insignificant, inexpensive. In fact when I think of lavish, I think of the most expensive piece of clothing with Jewels, with beautifully dyed and carefully sewn patterns. A dress that not only looks expensive, but that feels it. As you put it on, you know you are wearing a piece of clothing that took many hours of detailed planning, working and sewing hours to make. Something of high worth, just for one night of wearing. Seems crazy!
Lavish is not a word that we use often in this society where we hold our material possessions close to our hearts, especially in this western world. Our material goods are what give us status, lavish cars, lavish houses, lavish engagement rings, lavish parties, lavish holidays. We look to other peoples lives and think, my life isn't any where near as lavish. I mean take made in Chelsea for example or cribs. Now I like watching cribs and dreaming up my amazing, huge home with built in everything you could ever want, with more rooms than I could or would need. I enjoy looking at others lives and seeing what lavish lives they have.
But what if there was more, more than all this. What, in fact, do we say if we've actually got the meaning of Lavish wrong. What if all these seemingly lavish lives and dreams, were actually not that lavish. Take the great gatsby for example, by golly did Fitzgerald write a lavish life style for his character, but was he satisfied? Not by any means. And neither was Fitzgerald who lived a very similar life, or how about Jim Carrey, who said “I hope everybody could get rich and famous and will have everything they ever dreamed of, so they will know that its not the answer.”
I always think of the lavish lifestyle as the answer. The thing that's going to make me happy. How about Pinterest. I love Pinterest. Boys you may find this harder to relate to, so imagine walking into your favourite golf store or music shop with guitars lined along the walls. As you go into those shops, or on Pinterest. I look at the pins or the guitars or the golf sets and I think, what if I had this or I could do that, what if I had this new dress or my house looked like that, what if I could drive that car or afford that. I go into Pinterest and come off, majority of the time dissatisfied with what I have. Now again, I enjoy those things, they are fun. Golf is fun and having a good set is seemingly essential and a well built and well stringed guitar is sublime, something that brings such joy to me. These are seemingly lavish things.
But there is a problem, you see I don't have that car, there is no way I am ever going to be able to afford that home, that dress is not more important than my rent, that golf set or guitar is not going to pay my food bill. I know what ill do, ill work harder, I'll get a better job, ill work more jobs. I will work my very hardest to get this lavish, that is so desperately want, no not want, I need. I need it.
Stop.
No seriously, stop. Umm... Do you have any idea how completely unobtainable that all seems and do you remember what Jim Carrey said. “I hope everybody could get rich and famous and will have everything they ever dreamed of, so they will know that its not the answer.”
So here is a guy who has been rich as famous, got the cars, the house, has bought his girls those dresses, his wife that ring and he is saying, it's not the answer.
Well obviously that is just him, I mean that is just his experience. But then do you remember Fitzgerald and Gatsby? And there are plenty of other quotes from those that seemingly have the lavish life and say, it's not the answer.
Ok, so what is? I hear you ask. Because I'm sure as hell not satisfied with what I've got. Well, let me ask you this. Do you actually know what you have? And I'm not talking about worldly possessions, I could take them all away, you could be left with nothing and I can show you something that will fill that hole. I don't just think this either, I would bet my life on it. You see, lavish isn't a word about material goods because lavish is something long lasting, something substantial that can't fade away. To have something lavish, is to have something beyond worth. Having something lavish is almost like when a child catches a ladybird in the garden and runs in to show mum and dad, they carefully hold their hands slightly open and show their mum and dad. The kid the. Closes it's hands and holds that ladybird close to its heart. They laboured over finding that lady bird and now it's their friend, they make a home for it, feed it, loom after it and when friends come round, they share that ladybird, each having goes at holding it and admiring how incredibly beautiful it is, counting the spots on it's back. Now even that isn't quite lavish... Not quite but we getting nearer.
How about, Lavish is saying to you. I see all your hurt, I see all the parts of you that are really quite ugly, the parts that make me want to run away from you and never come near again, the parts that are rotten, the parts of your heart that are covered in hate and malice, that thing up revenge and are jealous. Where envy and where the words you wish you could put back into your mouth come from. I see all that. But I love you none the less. More than that, I will fervently pursue you through the ugly, the pain you cause me. The anger you throw at me. I will never run away or hide from you, when you are angry and bitter, when you blame me for something I would never do to you. And you know that time you hurt me so badly, all I wanted to do was disappear because the hurt was so bad, you know the one. Well, not only do I forgive you, cast it away never to think of it again but I will walk towards you and I will hold you until you can feel and know my love in every fibre of your being. Not only will you feel my love, but you will know in that moment, I could have walked away but I didn't.
Would you say that was Lavish? How about stupid?
8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8
See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.
1 John 3:1
Do you see a bit more what lavish might actually mean? What it might actually mean to have a lavish lifestyle? When we say lavish we so often point to them, that person, with that lifestyle, or that thing but very rarely do we point to God. Lavish. God is lavish? You serious?
Well I tell you something, I will never be able to love you the way I just explained, if you hurt me, I will probably hold it at least for a while. If you blame me for something I didn't do, I will most probably get angry or at least defensive/ think your just plain silly. My pride will come into play when you hurt me, when you are angry at me, share bitter words with me, I will walk away. I won't stand there. How can I? Would you?
But don't panic, you see this lavish we were talking about, that forgiving, seemingly stupid love, that isn't something I've made up. It's real.
"While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.'
While we were still angry and bitter, envious and ugly inside. God loved us. God loved you. In fact God loves you. And it's not because of anything you did, it's because it's His character. While you were angry and bitter, while you hurt him so bad. He walked forward, towards you through Jesus. And He took that hurt that you causes him, that anger against him, and he nailed it to that cross. With that blood, he wiped your slate clean. And with arms open wide He embraced you, until the darkness had faded and it was finished. You knew you were loved.
Man knows nothing more lavish than this. There is nothing in history more lavish than this. Lavish has no deeper, more significant meaning than God, who was so deeply hurt by us, walking towards us, forgiving that deep hurt and holding us close.
You are lavishly loved, you were lavishly loved at the creation of the world, you were lavishly loved the day your heart was given a second chance and you are lavishly loved now. Right now, as you sit reading this. And this message isn't for someone else, it isn't for that person to your right, or your friend. I mean it can be, later on today or tomorrow. But right now, right this moment. This message is for you. You are lavishly loved. Lavish is Gods word for you. What you gunna do about it?
Thursday, 26 September 2013
My 3am fun!
This blog comes incredibly early in the morning but I just have to tell you about what happened last night! So some of you may know how much I have been struggling with hearing God and feeling really distant from him. Having moved to Cardiff, a new city, new life style, new friends and new otherness I have been really struggling with home sickness and a knowledge that God has good plans but feeling how could this year be good when I'm struggling this much. This may seem bleak but I promise it's about to get much better!
At 3 this morning I was woken and tried to get back to sleep bit just couldn't. There was something keeping me awake. So I called to God about why I was awake, I was frustrated because I've been exhausted all day and I need my sleep haha, I'm so silly. I ended up getting so frustrated that I just wanted to scream at Him. Why am I awake? Do you have ANY idea how late it is? This is ridiculous! I was so incredibly frustrated and then I remembered a really wonderful friend Emily. She has just moved back to America and is 8 hours behind. I needed to chat so I messaged her to see if she was around... Praise God she was!! We haven't caught up since our amazing week at New Wine and it was such a joy to speak to her and hear how God is moving in her life! How God has different treats for us at different times, in different places. He loves to bless His children! So we spoke and then she asked what was going on with me and I spoke to her of my struggles and how I was finding things hard.
This is where it gets really cool (other than catching up with a friend). Emily was able to pick out lies about God I was believing and tell me truths I so needed to hear.
Most of you who know me, know I'm a complete child with God. I love him being my Dad and although I rebel against it, I try and be big. It's like a kid who puts on adult cloths and walks to work, everyone knows that they are a child, they know they are a child and the cloths they are wearing, just do not fit. I'm a toddler guys, just so up know. I'm Gods little love and I adore it being that way :) so if you see me putting on my adult cloths, remind me that underneath there is a little love, who's home is not with adults but playing at the Fathers feet.
I finished talking to Emily after she prayed for me and the thing I decided I wanted was God. More than anything else, I wanted him and I said that to Him. We had an exchange and the next thing I knew I had this completely over whelming sense of safety and warmth. One thing that Em pointed out, is that I had forgotten Gods goodness, as you know what?! I totally had. To me, God was a horrible dictator who had taken me from my friends and church to a city which I didn't know and was struggling... But I had forgotten Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." A friend reminded me of this verse today and I had been trying so hard to believe it, I had stopped living it. God has an amazing future for me, filled with hope! Not something half hearted or ok but full of hope!!! Doesn't that make you excited?! He has the same for you!
I got off Skype and broke the lie and declared the truth over myself! Warmth and joy spread my body and I saw myself in Father Gods arms but more than that, I felt it. And his voice was soft and tender as he said "let me take it." And He has me, completely, fully. I am His and He is mine!! He is mine! I am His with Such joy and happiness, I am His with life and hope, I am His with all I am and there is no where I would rather be.
Praise God for 3 in the morning and friends in different time zones! Praise God for discernment and truth. Praise God for his unfailing goodness! And Praise God that in His arms is home, my favourite place in the universe.
Praise God I my soul, for The Lord is good and his steadfast love endures forever!!
Night guys!!
Xxxx
At 3 this morning I was woken and tried to get back to sleep bit just couldn't. There was something keeping me awake. So I called to God about why I was awake, I was frustrated because I've been exhausted all day and I need my sleep haha, I'm so silly. I ended up getting so frustrated that I just wanted to scream at Him. Why am I awake? Do you have ANY idea how late it is? This is ridiculous! I was so incredibly frustrated and then I remembered a really wonderful friend Emily. She has just moved back to America and is 8 hours behind. I needed to chat so I messaged her to see if she was around... Praise God she was!! We haven't caught up since our amazing week at New Wine and it was such a joy to speak to her and hear how God is moving in her life! How God has different treats for us at different times, in different places. He loves to bless His children! So we spoke and then she asked what was going on with me and I spoke to her of my struggles and how I was finding things hard.
This is where it gets really cool (other than catching up with a friend). Emily was able to pick out lies about God I was believing and tell me truths I so needed to hear.
Most of you who know me, know I'm a complete child with God. I love him being my Dad and although I rebel against it, I try and be big. It's like a kid who puts on adult cloths and walks to work, everyone knows that they are a child, they know they are a child and the cloths they are wearing, just do not fit. I'm a toddler guys, just so up know. I'm Gods little love and I adore it being that way :) so if you see me putting on my adult cloths, remind me that underneath there is a little love, who's home is not with adults but playing at the Fathers feet.
I finished talking to Emily after she prayed for me and the thing I decided I wanted was God. More than anything else, I wanted him and I said that to Him. We had an exchange and the next thing I knew I had this completely over whelming sense of safety and warmth. One thing that Em pointed out, is that I had forgotten Gods goodness, as you know what?! I totally had. To me, God was a horrible dictator who had taken me from my friends and church to a city which I didn't know and was struggling... But I had forgotten Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." A friend reminded me of this verse today and I had been trying so hard to believe it, I had stopped living it. God has an amazing future for me, filled with hope! Not something half hearted or ok but full of hope!!! Doesn't that make you excited?! He has the same for you!
I got off Skype and broke the lie and declared the truth over myself! Warmth and joy spread my body and I saw myself in Father Gods arms but more than that, I felt it. And his voice was soft and tender as he said "let me take it." And He has me, completely, fully. I am His and He is mine!! He is mine! I am His with Such joy and happiness, I am His with life and hope, I am His with all I am and there is no where I would rather be.
Praise God for 3 in the morning and friends in different time zones! Praise God for discernment and truth. Praise God for his unfailing goodness! And Praise God that in His arms is home, my favourite place in the universe.
Praise God I my soul, for The Lord is good and his steadfast love endures forever!!
Night guys!!
Xxxx
Monday, 12 August 2013
Let's go back to the beginning...
Hello there friend!
I hope this blog post finds you well. Are you comfortable? Then let us begin.
Once upon a time...at forum 2012, I was trying to decide about Relay 2013/2014. Now, some would say it would have been a natural progression in life but I think my heart was scared, I was scared. You see, I am 21 years old and have been walking my faith without my family for the last 6 years and finally after 2 1/2 years at university, I have finally found home.
But here was my dilema...staying in Oxford next year was attractive and yet not right and Relay scared the bajeebies out of me. I think sometimes when things scare you, you have to ask what you are standing on or trusting in to protect you. I decided before the summer that it was up to Lord to make his desires known and made it my mission to seek him out through prayer until I heard what he wanted. I was, lets say, determined. The only problem...once you say to God, "it's up to you", he takes that as word.
So here I was, at forum, stewarding, having a brilliant time and loving it. I didn't really want to go because I knew God would speak to me and I was reluctant to listen in case I heard, but I had the evening off and the talks were insanely great so I went along. The talk as always, was awesome and I decided to go up for prayer at the end. I wanted to see a shift in my heart. A lovely girl came to pray for me and I received her words of encouragement but still knew my heart was hard so I went back to my seat. I then asked my friend to pray for me and she did. Again...something was holding me back so I decided to ignore what I was feeling and just praise the lord...
"And I will tell the world that Jesus loves,
for he came to earth to rescue us
Only Jesus saves I will proclaim
come find peace, come find joy, come find hope
in Jesus name."
That was it! That was what I wanted, that was what I wanted my life to be, that was what I desired more than anything. I wanted to tell people the joy of the cross, the peace of acceptance and adoption and the hope of life with Jesus. I wanted that, more than anything else in the world, suddenly everything else fell away and all I could do was sing and declare those words. My friend came up and had seen my seeking the Lord and wanted to pray for me. She prayed for me and I thanked her, we started chatting but something was still holding me back...
We decided to go and pray at the front. And it was there that I had time with the Lord that I so badly needed. In the time that followed he broke the lie that I would be on my own, that there was anything to fear and he spoke to me of his closeness, his good plans and his authority over fear. 'There is fear in love'. Next year is a step out in faith, I trust and know my God is there but without his comfort and assurance there would be no way I would be stepping out.
This is how I can say with peace, joy and assurance that plans have changed.
Unfortunately I can no longer be a relay worker at Brunel University next year but now, I am going to
Cardiff. :)
I wasn't expecting it, it wasn't in my plan but God is in control and I am so so excited to go and love the Cardiff students, encourage them and introduce, reveal more of or proclaim Jesus Christ. He is my peace, my joy and my hope. Without him, I am nothing but with him, I have all I need and could ever hope.
I will tell the world that Jesus loves, that he came to Earth to rescue us, for you see; Only Jesus saves and I will proclaim "Come find peace, come find joy, come find hope in Jesus name!".
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So my relay journey has taken an unexpected turn but I am walking and as I do God is revealing to me more and more of his richness. Already I am getting excited and looking forward to my welsh year. It's going to be wild, it's going to be great and it's going to be FULL of him!
Until next time dear reader, it's been a pleasure.
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